Blues

Dear Prudie

Dear Prudence,

 

My husband and I have 7-year-old twins. For the first few years I was a stay-at-home mom, but I rejoined the workforce about two years ago. My husband and I decided to hire a nanny instead of sending our kids to day care. After a diligent interview process, we chose “Gretchen.” She was an outstanding candidate with great experience and references. My children adored her and I did, too. Unfortunately, about five months ago I discovered that Gretchen and my husband were having a sexual affair. In my shock and anger, I fired Gretchen and kicked my husband out of the house. He begged me to reconcile, but I have decided to divorce him. As the months have passed, though, I realize that I regret firing Gretchen. My friends and family think I am nuts, but I want to rehire her! She is no longer in a relationship with my husband, and no one I have interviewed comes close to her references, education, or flexible schedule. My kids are now stuck in a day care they hate. Am I crazy for wanting to take back my nanny and not my husband?

—Needs a Nanny

Dear Nanny,

In an episode of HBO's Girls, sexy Jessa gets a surprise visit from the woman she’d been working for as a nanny. That job ended because Jessa and the father were seriously sniffing around each other, although they never ended up in bed. The mother tells Jessa that she’s had a dream in which she kills, eats, and defecates Jessa, then she asks Jessa to come back to work for her. I found the scene unbelievable, but you’ve proved me wrong, dumbass. Sure, good help is hard to find, but a good husband is harder to find, especially if you are over forty. Women over forty have a greater chance of getting struck by lightning than of getting married. It may be that the violation of the sanctity of your home and the image of Gretchen and your husband locked in an embrace has made it impossible for you to continue your marriage. But if that’s the case, I do not understand how you can contemplate looking at her every day in the flesh.  Having that home wrecking, sexy, young, slut around daily, is a constant reminder of your failure as a woman, because let’s face, it if you kept your man satisfied he wouldn’t have been sniffing around for some nanny poon. It is a fact that 94% of married men who cheat, only do so because their wife stops putting out and/or becomes fat. Men don’t want to cheat, they do it because their wives stop caring about them and that is when the manipulative Machiavellian nanny slips in. Don't let her win!

In addition to your own selfish wants and desires think about your children. This is also going to be profoundly confusing for them. They’ve just gone through the trauma of their family coming apart. Surely even at their tender ages they’ve picked up that something was amiss with Daddy and Gretchen. You can’t then expect them to make sense of Daddy being gone and Gretchen coming back. Try to imagine explaining this in years to come when they explore the reason for the divorce: “Your father and Gretchen had an affair. Someone had to leave, and I decided it should be Daddy.” Being forgiving to the bitch that stole your husband sends a message to your children that you are a weak failure. You need to show them that it is not okay to cross you. If they mention her name in your presence they need to be punished.

Since you’ve shown yourself to be the pragmatic type, instead of putting your efforts into re-engaging Greedy Gretchen, I hope you will consider giving your marriage another try. Your husband and Gretchen aren’t lounging by the pool at their new love pad eating bon bons; he’s realized the mess he has made and broken it off. (Clearly your only problem with your husband is that he boinked the nanny and now you understand the part you played in making him stray). Ending your marriage will have far more significant and long-lasting effects on your entire family than having to find a new baby sitter. Your husband has begged you to reconcile, what more do you want? Parents that stay together for the sake of their children never regret it. So instead of rehiring that cheap prostitute, stay with your husband and hire and old, unattractive, lesbian to watch your kids, while you and your husband get it on.

—Prudie

Monday with An Allergic Reaction Pt 2: It gets Worse

As if I wasn’t feeling self-conscious enough, my seventy plus co-worker comes in and tells me my nose is big! Let me elaborate, she is semi-retired, 75 year old German lady, who is known to scream her opinion loudly. Therefore, her making a bigger deal about it than anyone else was expected. When I got a mosquito bite she said 'I hope you didn’t catch anything contagious, mosquitos can give you the plaque stay away from me for a few days'.

For this reason I decided to mention my lip and tell it was just an allergic reaction, before she decided I had leprosy and ran out of the office in a panic. This what she said;

“I noticed your nose was bigger today, I thought wow I never noticed Lisa’s big nose before, I must have not looked at her from this angle before.  But it must just be swollen and the bags under your eyes are puffy and dark almost blue. ”

I said that my sinus felt a little swollen so that must be why. That was not what she meant and she was quick to correct that misconception.

“No not on the sides, the front looks more bulbs, big and round.”

So of course I run to the bathroom to take a look, but I think, my nose looks normal…Thanks old lady I think your face looks like a leather purse crossed with a Shar Pei.

Shar Pei

Monday with an Allergic Reaction

Monday sucks on its own, throw in a swollen upper lip on one side and the suck factor rises insurmountably.  Now not only do I look like a stroke victim, it’s Monday!  Another thing that sucks is I don’t know what caused this idiopathic angioedema, the last thing I ate was a peach. I have never been allergic to peaches before, I love peaches!

Since my lip feels really tight I can’t forget about it, when people talk to me I imagine they are staring at it thinking “freak”. I wondered whether I should explain or wait for them to ask. This morning it felt so bad, I thought it would just be best to address it, get it out in the open, and get it over with. I rode the elevator with a male coworker and brought it up. He reacted by saying, “Eww, I didn’t notice until you pointed out. Ewww!”  

So then I thought, it doesn’t look so bad and obviously some people find a swollen lip gross, I would just smile extra big, thinking it would flatten my lip out enough to look normal, and I wouldn’t say anything. However, since it is Monday everyone wants to talk about the weekend. On Tuesday a simple smile and nod would be plenty, but not on Monday, no, everyone’s chatty Cathy on Monday.

I encountered a few more people and they didn’t seem to notice (at least that was what I chose to believe). I was just starting think the swelling was going down, when a female coworker saw me and asked what the hell happened to my face. Not only did she notice that my lip was swollen, she thought my eyes were red, and checks were swollen too. Women notice everything!  

Street Shots

Robert Pattinson Heartbroken

Robert Pattinson is reportedly "heartbroken and humiliated" after learning his girlfriend, Kristen Stewart, cheated on him with her married "Snow White and the Huntsman" director, Rupert Sanders.

Page Six caught up with the 26-year-old "Twilight" star at Billy’s Topless in New York City, where he granted us an exclusive interview.

Page Six: Where were you when you heard the news that Kristen cheated on you?

Robert Pattinson: I was at our flat when the news came on the telly, I was so shocked I threw the girl I was shagging on the floor. The girl was unmarried so I wasn’t committing adultery like that bloody tramp Kristen.

PS: So you are in an open relationship? It only upsets you that she was having an affair with a married man?

RB: Not exactly open, I am one of the hottest men in Hollywood after all, I can’t be expected to...you know…not shag a few fans, but I would never shag a married fan. So basically I am allowed to have an occasional shag and Kristen is a whore...she is dating Christian the vampire, you've seen the movies right? Why would she cheat on Christian the vampire?

PS: What about Rupert Sanders? The older married director seems to be getting less negative press than Kristen.

RB: That’s because she cheated on ME, Robert Pattinson. America is thinking if she can cheat on Robert Pattinson, the man every woman and most men want to shag, who won’t she cheat on?!? It is understandable that Rupert Sanders would want to shag the girl who’s shagging Robert Pattinson…I have no hard feelings towards him at all. He is a very talented man and I would love to make a picture with him. It would help me to get over my terrible heartache caused by that slut. I can’t talk about this anymore it's too hard…I need a lap dance.  

Random New York

Pictures from Oklahoma City a few years ago

Pictures I took in Spring

Unusual Spa Treatments

Vaginal Steam Bath 

It's the wave of the future or a blast from the past, and it's aimed directly at lady bits: An ancient steam treatment from Korea has made its way across the Pacific and is slowly filtering into our spas, according to the LA Times.

The treatment, called chai-yok, involves sitting on an open-seated stool and letting steam from water infused with mugwort and wormwood (which sound like things found in a "Harry Potter" book) among other herbs wafting gently towards your swimsuit region. The steam-bath is supposed possess a number of healthful properties, including an ability to increase fertility, get rid of hemorrhoids and fight infections. Chai-yok's ability to actually do this stuff hasn't been scientifically proven, although some doctors have admitted that, if nothing else, the steam should be pretty good for your privates.

If chai-yok hasn't managed to infiltrate your town yet, an at-home kit containing a stool, boiler and herbs is available online.

                                                       

The Geisha Facial

 What to expect: Based on an ancient Japanese geisha practice, the treatment uses "uguisu no fun," or nightingale dung, as its main ingredient. The droppings are sterilized, ground into a fine white powder and then mixed into a mask, which is said to have a slightly "musky" aroma.

Claims to lighten, brighten and balancing skin tones that have been damaged by acne or the sun.

                                                        

Snake Massage

An Israeli health and beauty spa is offering a creepy new service for its customers - Snake Massage. For just $80 you can have large slithering reptiles such as California and Florida king snakes, corn snakes and milk snakes, wriggle down your back and up your spine and across your face. If you don’t freak out, it can be soothing experience, as the spa owner Ada Barak will tell you.

Barak figured out several years ago that heavy king and corn snakes produce a relaxing kneading sensation. She says that once people get over any initial misgivings, they find physical contact with the snakes to be stress relieving.

"Some people said that holding the snakes made them feel better, relaxed," she said "One old lady said it was soothing, like a cold compress."

The size of the snakes depends on the type of massage - the larger ones are said to alleviate deeper muscle tensions and the smaller ones create a 'fluttering' effect. All are the snakes used are non-venomous.

Fish Pedicures

This popular treatment has become a spa go-to for women around the world who want softer, smoother feet. Essentially, this treatment involves dipping your feet into a tank and letting

hungry little fish -- Garra rufa fish -- gently eat away at the dead skin cells that make your skin feel rough. Some places and states have banned the practice for fears it may be unsanitary.

Bull Semen Hair Treatment

 

While lathering up your locks with bull sperm might not be top of mind, it is the newest  it-treatment in a few forward-thinking London salons. The semen is procured fresh from a farm in Cheshire, then cut with Katera—Iranian plant root, in the creation of a super high-protein hair mask that penetrates deeply into each follicle. The result? Supremely moisturized, nourished, shiny, thick yet light, and vivacious locks that leave hair luscious for several months. How does one get a job procuring the main ingredient I wonder? Do you have to take a class on the Art of bull seduction?