Dear Prudie

Dear Prudence,

 

My husband and I have 7-year-old twins. For the first few years I was a stay-at-home mom, but I rejoined the workforce about two years ago. My husband and I decided to hire a nanny instead of sending our kids to day care. After a diligent interview process, we chose “Gretchen.” She was an outstanding candidate with great experience and references. My children adored her and I did, too. Unfortunately, about five months ago I discovered that Gretchen and my husband were having a sexual affair. In my shock and anger, I fired Gretchen and kicked my husband out of the house. He begged me to reconcile, but I have decided to divorce him. As the months have passed, though, I realize that I regret firing Gretchen. My friends and family think I am nuts, but I want to rehire her! She is no longer in a relationship with my husband, and no one I have interviewed comes close to her references, education, or flexible schedule. My kids are now stuck in a day care they hate. Am I crazy for wanting to take back my nanny and not my husband?

—Needs a Nanny

Dear Nanny,

In an episode of HBO's Girls, sexy Jessa gets a surprise visit from the woman she’d been working for as a nanny. That job ended because Jessa and the father were seriously sniffing around each other, although they never ended up in bed. The mother tells Jessa that she’s had a dream in which she kills, eats, and defecates Jessa, then she asks Jessa to come back to work for her. I found the scene unbelievable, but you’ve proved me wrong, dumbass. Sure, good help is hard to find, but a good husband is harder to find, especially if you are over forty. Women over forty have a greater chance of getting struck by lightning than of getting married. It may be that the violation of the sanctity of your home and the image of Gretchen and your husband locked in an embrace has made it impossible for you to continue your marriage. But if that’s the case, I do not understand how you can contemplate looking at her every day in the flesh.  Having that home wrecking, sexy, young, slut around daily, is a constant reminder of your failure as a woman, because let’s face, it if you kept your man satisfied he wouldn’t have been sniffing around for some nanny poon. It is a fact that 94% of married men who cheat, only do so because their wife stops putting out and/or becomes fat. Men don’t want to cheat, they do it because their wives stop caring about them and that is when the manipulative Machiavellian nanny slips in. Don't let her win!

In addition to your own selfish wants and desires think about your children. This is also going to be profoundly confusing for them. They’ve just gone through the trauma of their family coming apart. Surely even at their tender ages they’ve picked up that something was amiss with Daddy and Gretchen. You can’t then expect them to make sense of Daddy being gone and Gretchen coming back. Try to imagine explaining this in years to come when they explore the reason for the divorce: “Your father and Gretchen had an affair. Someone had to leave, and I decided it should be Daddy.” Being forgiving to the bitch that stole your husband sends a message to your children that you are a weak failure. You need to show them that it is not okay to cross you. If they mention her name in your presence they need to be punished.

Since you’ve shown yourself to be the pragmatic type, instead of putting your efforts into re-engaging Greedy Gretchen, I hope you will consider giving your marriage another try. Your husband and Gretchen aren’t lounging by the pool at their new love pad eating bon bons; he’s realized the mess he has made and broken it off. (Clearly your only problem with your husband is that he boinked the nanny and now you understand the part you played in making him stray). Ending your marriage will have far more significant and long-lasting effects on your entire family than having to find a new baby sitter. Your husband has begged you to reconcile, what more do you want? Parents that stay together for the sake of their children never regret it. So instead of rehiring that cheap prostitute, stay with your husband and hire and old, unattractive, lesbian to watch your kids, while you and your husband get it on.

—Prudie